dream job

ok, I've never been a 'Name It and Claim It' kinda girl. I mean, I believe it has its place in life but I don't feel it's 'Biblically Correct' to name and claim; lottery winnings, a brand new home for $5 or free vacations. But... that's just me.

With all of that said, I am going to put the following out there in a 'name it and claim' sort of way. God, I know you're listening so here it goes.

I want to be a Christian writer and speaker who gets to travel around the world, encouraging young women. I want to write fiction and non fiction books, and get paid to do something that feels as natural as shopping. I also want to plan lovely events, whether that be a birthday party, a baby shower or a wedding. I want to be able to a make a living off of these things so that I won't have to work in Corporate America for the rest of my life. This is my dream job. Let's make it happen.

it's a new season

Happy Monday, while it is raining and overcast here in Hampton Roads I can't be sad because we had the most lovely weather over the weekend. I'm talking mid 80's! I'm so excited that it's officially spring. 

I'm not going to lie, the winter was pretty tough and I don't just mean weather wise. There were many battles fought, many tears shed, and many nights of fitful sleep but, and I mean this so seriously, the Lord truly carried me through it all. 

Last night, I took some time to read through my journal entries from January February and the beginning of March. While I was reading it, I couldn't help but wonder, "Did I write this?" Journal entries filled with such hope, promise, commitment to God, TRUST in God. It was almost as if I was reading someone else's work, from someone else's life. I mean since when did I have such a peace about things?!

Apparently, when I really gave it over to God, and layed it all out.

I was a ball of tears, heartbreak, worries, and stress lying naked on the cold ground with crumpled leaves surrounding me. The sky was gray, overcast with my emotions.  I cried out to God, yelled out to Him, groaned out to Him, and He heard me. He wrapped His strong arms around me. Clothed me and picked me up as if I were a child, His child, and rocked me while I wept. When I stopped crying He didn't let go. His strong hold was still on me. He wiped away all signs of tears and bounced me in the air, making me smile and giggle like a toddler. I stood on my feet once again, but I knew I wasn't alone. In fact He was holding my hand, helping me cross the street, helping me at the beginning and ending of each day. He spoke words of encouragement to my heart, he made me smile big and often. He introduced me to new friends and helped me rekindle old friendships. He fed me His Word daily and I ate, famished from malnutrition. He loved me, more than anyone ever could. And He rejoices with me at the start of this new season.

facebook and dreams

So, I've been on facebook for two hours again. (I know, I know but I really couldn't help it this time) 

Anyway, I went to school with some incredibly talented people. And again, I feel encouraged to really pursue what's in my heart. 

So, what's in my heart? Umm....I'm not exactly sure yet. 

 

Does it mean anything that I had a dream last night that I was a fourth grade teacher, teaching my kids about bugs (strange, I know). 

Seriously God. A little direction right about now would be lovely.....

... waiting for?

So, I just spent the last...two hours on facebook (sad I know). It sucked me in and suddenly I was helpless to the incessant clicking.  But, I would hardly say that I was wasting time. In fact, I left facebook feeling motivated to really dive into the things that I want to do with my life. I couldn't help but think to myself while I was looking at all of my friends photos, "What am I waiting for?" If I want to make myself a writer, then I can make myself a writer. If I want to move to New York, then I can move to New York. 

Of course all of this is something that I need to pray about and at the same time earnestly seek direction, but I feel that I would deeply regret it if I never even tried...tired to be a writer full time, or move to the city, or just live the life that I always thought that I would. Don't get me wrong, I love my life right now, but I can't help but feeling like I was meant to do more, be more. 

So, here comes the hard part... actually putting all of this into real time work. Dedicating time to my writing, really crafting my articles, making them special, personal, works of art even. I need to dedicate time to searching for a job in New York or D.C. or wherever I am feeling drawn to. If that means leaving work, and then coming home and working for another two or three hours than so be it. This is my life and I only get one. So...what am I waiting for?

Unable to see the sky

My favorite passage of scripture of all time is Psalm 139. Let me tell you, those verses have got me through some hard times. When it felt like I couldn’t pray and talk to God, I read it and wouldn’t feel 100% instantaneously but would feel a sense of comfort.

Well, I read it this morning and was just reflecting on everything that I had been going through.

I have a friend that I met over two years ago at a church conference. It was one of those meetings where people were spying on us to see if they saw any sparks fly between us. Well, there weren’t any initial sparks but I was at least willing to get a match. We exchanged email addresses and he emailed me about a month after we first met.

We started on surface topics for a while but slowly the layers of self disclosure began to peel away. Things were going well and after about six months I began to wonder if he were interested in a more then friendly way…I mean you would think that after six months he would make a move! I questioned him about it and he said, “I would love to be in a relationship with you but you live in VA and I live in TN.”

To me it wasn’t an issue but I guess long distance affects us each differently. I said OK, and we continued to email each other off and on for two years. Finally, I had enough of wondering, questioning, and hoping for something to happen. After two years I was interested and I approached my pastor and his wife about the situation and they were immediately gung ho on getting me to TN and fast. I felt this burden to pray for him and thought about him often.

Anyway, to make a looong story short it worked out that one of the ladies from my church wanted to go to TN to visit her son. Enter me and the “coincidence” of it all that I was contemplating my pen pal relationship with my friend.

Off we went to TN. I did my best to not get my hopes up, to go with an open mind. Before we had even left, I spoke to him to see if he would even be available to ‘hang out.’ He agreed that he would. Ok great. So, we got there on Wednesday morning. I was ready to go to church with him that night. No phone call. Ok, well he did say that he was able to hang out on Thursday. Thursday morning I got a text saying that he would be able to hang out but not until later. Umm…OK, you know I can go with the flow. He arrived late, and when I saw him I must admit that he looked different than what I last remembered. After several minutes of where do you want to go? No, where do you want to go? (which I always find annoying) I decided that we should go to a tourist attraction that I wanted to visit and then dinner. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good time and laughed a lot but was overall disappointed with the way things had turned out. There was no spark, not even matches this time. He dropped me off back at my friends house with promises to call.

He didn’t. I was pissed.

My pride was wounded and of course, I began to question my beauty, intelligence, spiritual-ness, any and everything that encompassed who I am. It’s sad but true and I am not ashamed to admit it. I then began to question God. Why had he led me to pray for this man so earnestly, and often? Why had He worked it out so that I would be able to visit him? It felt like God had just punk’d me and I was embarrassed and angry.

After a couple of days of being angry with God, and a little crying, I ran across Psalm 63:8. I poured it out to him. I didn’t understand why he had done what he did but I knew that it was His perfect will for my life. It wasn’t an instantaneous thing either, but I eventually, little by little am finding my way back to God. I share all of this with you because perhaps you are going through some things that you don’t understand but I just want to encourage you that God has got it. His track record has proved to be perfect in my life and I know that he wouldn’t turn His back on me now, or ever.

The Struggle

Can I be honest for a minute? I haven’t been feeling very spiritual lately. As a matter of fact I have been feeling betrayed by God. ( I know it sounds crazy but that is how I feel) It really is a long story and I will of course share it with you, but right now I just wanted to tell You who’s reading this how I was feeling, how I am feeling.

I don’t really understand how the Lord works and that was never really an issue for me until this past weekend. Now, I just want to know what He is thinking, what He has planed for me because I am strugglin.

Sometimes it feels as if the world caves in on us, at least for me; and I can’t see straight and my joy is zapped from me so quickly. I sit around waiting for the next big disaster. But today, as I was wallowing in my unhappiness I looked at my computer desk to find all of the scriptures that I had put up when I was spiritually stronger. A part of me wanted to tear it all down but the other part of me had to cling on to it.

“Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.” Psalm 63:8

Tears came to my eyes and I silently cried at my desk. I didn’t care if anybody walked by and saw me. I had come to the end of myself. Even though I doubted, my soul had no choice but to pour it out. Perhaps I just took the first step back.