coming into existence

{photo found here. Isn't it lovely}

as a blogger, you are bound to come to terms with the question of, "Exactly how much should I be sharing?"

I've come to that place only to be left standing here, completley stagnagnt. tap, tap, tap....

So I'll just give you the jist...
I met up with the ex the other night. Had a beer and caught up. After I said goodbye to him, I realized just how different I am. I am NOT the same person that I was when I was dating him. Not even close. It's a scary yet comforting thought to realize. I've grown... who knew?!

I'm sure that he will always hold a special place in my heart and I want him to. We've been through a lot, but one of the overwhelming thoughts is that, he is just not for me.

God is refining me, preparing me for the real thing. And when I say that I don't automatically think, 'The One,' well I do because I am an obessive lady, but I'm truly trying to change my thinking. It is not just about a man, or marriage or children. It's about me. Becoming the best possible version of myself... for Me. For God. And to honor Him in all that I do. Geez, I'm so different....

in the middle of me

{photo by Max Wagner}

OK. I don't want to become cynical. But, I feel like it's happening. I know that Bible says, that those who compare themselves amongst themselves are not wise. {2 Corinthians 10:12} I do, I really know that it says that and I try so hard to not compare but it just seems to happen...often.

I mean, I look at a lot of Christian women my age. A lot of them are married, with children, very active in their church, wear dresses all the time, don't swear, or drink, or watch Sex in the City. They somehow always manage to incorporate God into their conversations, they always say, "I'll pray for you," and you KNOW that they will, and they have their devotions every day. They spend their days, cooking, cleaning, carting around children, or if they don't have kids they go home to their husbands and have guilt free sex whenever they want.

And then there's me. The 20 something single Christian woman. I'm single, with no children, still transitioning from the church that I grew up in to a church that's better suited for where I am in life. I don't wear dresses all the time, however I have been wearing them more lately {I really enjoy being feminine}, I swear occasionally, I drink occasionally, and I own every episode of Sex in the City. I'm trying each to day to incorporate God and Jesus into my daily conversations, but I still find myself obsessing over things that are not of him, i.e. read my last post. I try to remember to pray for everybody, but forget especially on mornings when I wake up late for work and quickly read a scripture. I spend my days working at job, that isn't terrible, but my heart desires more, I haven't cooked in like 2 weeks and my dinners lately have been consisting of baked french fries, or a bowl of cereal. Plus it takes me a really long time to do laundry, which is precisely why I have so many panties. And we're not even going to talk about the guilt free sex; it just doesn't exist in my world.

So then, where do I stand? Do I desire to be like those other women, and get married and have children. Well, yes. I absolutely want those things for my life. Do I need to work on being more godly... obviously. But, I don't want to become a cookie cutter woman. And I know it's unfair to think that's what will happen, but I do.

In a way, I almost fear being transformed because there are many things that I like about myself or that I enjoy doing that aren't necessarily ungodly, but I know that if I shared with others they would of course say that they were. Am I making sense?

I just want to be me, BUT and this is a big but; I guess it's not really about what I want but what God wants for me. But what exactly am I willing to give up....

I don't want to complain, but....

Where has the time gone..where has my life gone?! I wish I could write to you a totally upbeat and encouraging word today, but the truth is, I feel so crappy, so down, so alone.

A lot of things have transpired in the almost year that I was MIA. Where to begin..

Perhaps the largest thing that changed is that I am single...again. Things did not work out with B, as I had hoped. Well, they just didn't work out. Now, of course, that I look back all of the warning signs were there. All of the doubt, questioning and sin was there. The relationship was far from holy and yet for some reason I so desperately wanted it to work out. Why? I mean was I that desperate for attention, did I want a companion so bad that I was willing to lower my standards to have one? Well, yes. Shameful but truthful.

Not only am I dealing with all of the emotions that go with a breakup, but I feel stuck in a job that sucks. I know, I should be thankful to even have a job right now, but this is not what I want. I'm trying to move out of VA but things are going slow. I've had a lot of interviews but no actual offers, although, I did get to the final stages of a particular position in D.C. but I just did not feel right about accepting it, so I'm back at level 1.

My grandmother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and the doctors are giving her a year.

I don't mean to sound super depressing right now. I just can't help but feeling alone and down right now. I've been reminding myself of scripture, I know that God is there for me. I do. I just wish...that I didn't feel so alone.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

I'm clinging to this.

Conversations and pancakes

There is something to be said about Christian women who are roommates. It’s great…not perfect, but really great. My roommate understands what struggles I go through and how much I need prayer. She doesn’t look at me funny when I am having my devotions in the morning or when I automatically hold out my hands to pray over our meals. What's really great is that she made pancakes for breakfast this morning...Thanks Renee!

I think being a Christian is awesome. I really do. I’m not saying that it’s easy but there is an amazing comfort in knowing that everything that I go through is not my battle but is the Lord’s.

Renee and I were talking about this and I had to confess that sometimes, I didn’t like that God really did control everything because I am a bit of a control…freak. (But only a little bit)

I know that God has everything under control, I really do but, sometimes I feel like I should be given the reigns every once in a while. The main area where I struggle with this is when it comes to men….Oh men how wonderful they are!

“Sometimes, I get so caught up in the statistics about men these days, especially black men, and I got to be honest; things look pretty bleak,” I said to my roommate.

“Yeah, but it’s not about what you see, it’s about what God sees.” She said it so simply that it caught me off guard.

And she was right.

Letting Go

“I am learning to really just give all of myself to God; to go to Him for everything that I need and want. When I am confused about things, when I need direction, when I need comforting and when I need to just cry and let it out. When I am so thankful that it brings tears to my eyes, I go to God.

I went through a period where I was really rebelling against God and to come from that to where I am now and see the change, I know that it is only by God’s grace.
I am learning to trust Him more and to cast all of my cares on him. I am learning to be more thankful. I am learning to offer myself as a sacrifice.

I am growing so much closer to my church family. Loving them and showing it by calling them, encouraging them and helping them in their time of need, reaching out to those who have been in similar situations as me.

I am learning and changing into the woman who God created me to be. Not just another girl, but a Woman who is so in love with God that she chooses to wait on Him instead of trying to figure things out on her own.

I am learning to be radiant, to let my light shine for all to see. I am learning to live by faith.
I am learning more about my ABBA father and falling in love with Him each day.”

I wrote this email to a friend four months ago and happened to run across it today. Today; where I am feeling ‘unspiritual.’ Feeling like I have made every mistake in the book more than once, more than twice even. Feelings as if, I can’t let things go; don’t want to let them go and desperately trying to figure things out on my own. Like a stubborn child who won’t give up until she gets her way, that is where I am now. I have thrown myself on the floor in yet another tantrum.

And then, I read this email. Guilt and shame engulf me. How have I moved so much? When did I move? I used to give my problems over to God and now, I hold onto to them as if they were precious diamonds. More importantly, now that I am so far away how do I get back to that place of peace? How do I become that woman who wrote those words so passionately just months ago? Where do I turn?

‘You turn back to Me.’

I hear it so quietly. And I know that He is right. I must let it go. I must.

It is so easy, for us as women, to try to solve problems, to help out and fix things. That is essentially how God designed us. But when it is required of us to relinquish all control, we struggle, we fight. We are ‘unsure.’

I will never pretend that I have all of the answers. Even if I did put on that ‘know it all’ façade you would know the truth. What I do know is that I have hope. I was that passionate woman who wrote that email. I was that woman who let God rule her life.

I must let go.