coming into existence

{photo found here. Isn't it lovely}

as a blogger, you are bound to come to terms with the question of, "Exactly how much should I be sharing?"

I've come to that place only to be left standing here, completley stagnagnt. tap, tap, tap....

So I'll just give you the jist...
I met up with the ex the other night. Had a beer and caught up. After I said goodbye to him, I realized just how different I am. I am NOT the same person that I was when I was dating him. Not even close. It's a scary yet comforting thought to realize. I've grown... who knew?!

I'm sure that he will always hold a special place in my heart and I want him to. We've been through a lot, but one of the overwhelming thoughts is that, he is just not for me.

God is refining me, preparing me for the real thing. And when I say that I don't automatically think, 'The One,' well I do because I am an obessive lady, but I'm truly trying to change my thinking. It is not just about a man, or marriage or children. It's about me. Becoming the best possible version of myself... for Me. For God. And to honor Him in all that I do. Geez, I'm so different....

too much?

 {photo by Max Wanger}

How is it Wednesday already? This week has been flying by and I'm sure that the  weeks to come will do so as well. Things have been quite busy around here with work and lots of play! 

Last night I met up with one of my greatest friends Matt. He is THE most laid back guy I have EVER met in my ENTIRE life. (Yes, the exaggeration was needed there.) Anyway, we went out to dinner with him and his cousins and I just always have a crush on him. I don't know what it is. We always joke around about dating and at one point we even talked about it, but it just never happened. Maybe because we're too different?

I mean, I work 40-60 hours a week, date random guys, I'm pretty trendy/sophisticated (if I do say so myself) and just different. He's this super laid back, skater boy, going to grad school, who LOVES music, traveling, photography and randomness. He wears skinny tight boy jeans and grows a beard every now and then and sometimes he dresses like a lumberjack. But that is everything that I LOVE about him. Anyway, he's my friend and we'll always be friends, so that's that. 

He said something to me last night that really kinda shook me though. His cousin Seth, who is like the 2nd coolest guy I have ever met, was all heartbroken because him and his girlfriend broke up. He's 18 and I was like, "Dude, trust me you'll get over it." He went on to explain that he wasn't just dating her to date her but that he had hoped that they would get to the courting phase. Whoa! That was the first time I had ever heard an 18 year old male  say courting. So Matt and I were giving him advice and so we started talking about marriage. I obviously want to get married and Matt was teasing me about it. 

"You want it too much though." 

Me. "What?! No, I don't. It's just that..."

"If you had to pick between a husband and God who would you pick."

Me."God."

"Ok, now say that with some conviction and without rolling your eyes."

Sigh. Maybe I do want it too much? Because even though I managed to say it with conviction, I'm still thinking about it today. And the problem, well just one of them, is that let's say God does give me a husband. Well, what's after that? All of my obsessing, worrying, stressing and tears gone because my prayers have been answered. I feel in a way like I would be lost. Does that make sense? So, it's really got me thinking, what do I want more?

I don't want to complain, but....

Where has the time gone..where has my life gone?! I wish I could write to you a totally upbeat and encouraging word today, but the truth is, I feel so crappy, so down, so alone.

A lot of things have transpired in the almost year that I was MIA. Where to begin..

Perhaps the largest thing that changed is that I am single...again. Things did not work out with B, as I had hoped. Well, they just didn't work out. Now, of course, that I look back all of the warning signs were there. All of the doubt, questioning and sin was there. The relationship was far from holy and yet for some reason I so desperately wanted it to work out. Why? I mean was I that desperate for attention, did I want a companion so bad that I was willing to lower my standards to have one? Well, yes. Shameful but truthful.

Not only am I dealing with all of the emotions that go with a breakup, but I feel stuck in a job that sucks. I know, I should be thankful to even have a job right now, but this is not what I want. I'm trying to move out of VA but things are going slow. I've had a lot of interviews but no actual offers, although, I did get to the final stages of a particular position in D.C. but I just did not feel right about accepting it, so I'm back at level 1.

My grandmother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and the doctors are giving her a year.

I don't mean to sound super depressing right now. I just can't help but feeling alone and down right now. I've been reminding myself of scripture, I know that God is there for me. I do. I just wish...that I didn't feel so alone.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

I'm clinging to this.

Sex Part Two

OK. So I know that was quite a post yesterday but I just wanted to be honest with what I was thinking regarding sex. And here is what I learned.

Sex is the easy part. Anyone can have sex.

Some people view sex as a physical act that feels good. But, I don't see sex as strictly a physical act. For me there has to be a connection, there has to be love behind it because if there isn't then what's the point? To strictly,
"get mine?"

You know I have to say, I'm just not that kind of woman.

Sex

Sex.

Such a small with such a BIG meaning. I must say that as I write this I feel almost as if, "I'm not allowed" to talk about such things. But, God made the body and I have a body so let's talk about it.

Here is the honest truth of what I have been thinking about sex lately.

The Bible clearly states that sex before marriage, fornication is wrong. A sin.
The Bible also says that God views all sin the same way. As sin.
There isn't a bigger sin then any other sin. It's all sin.
So, if I lied to my co-worker about whether or not I had finished working on a project, or if I had sex, then it would all be seen to God the same. As sin.

Does it sound like I am justifying sex?
I'm not saying that everyone should run out immediately and have sex. I would never encourage that.
In fact I would not advise having sex until you have a full understanding of what it means and what God says about sex.

This is what I am saying in a round about way. If you just "follow the rules" of the Bible it will never become personal to you. It's not a rule book. It's God's love letter to us and we need to understand it and study and ask God to reveal things to us. If you simply abstain from sex because it's one of the rules, one day you might forget the rules and do it anyway. Trust me on that. Develop a personal relationship with God and sex won't just seem like Sex anymore.
But, I don't have all the answers. Leave a comment, let me know what you think about sex.