Dating and Jupiter

Is it just me or do you sometimes feel a little nervous when you read stories about women who are 35 and never married? (If you are 35 and never married, I mean no disrespect.) Look, I’m 23 and have been single for a couple of years but I know that the Lord has called me to marriage; I just don’t know when. So, when I hear stories about women who are 35 and single, I can’t help but wonder if that’s what the Lord has in mind for me. Don’t get me wrong, 35 is not old, but when I think about how I want to married for a couple of years and then have three children, 35 seems a little…distant. Trust me I know that 23 is young and that I still have ‘plenty of time’ but, the more articles I read about my current single status the more anxious I get. So, what is the solution? Don’t read articles about 35 year old single woman, go out and start dating away or just relax and wait on God? Geez, I know what the answer is but just because you know something doesn’t mean you always understand it.

For example, I know that Jupiter is 11 times the diameter of the Earth, but I don’t actually understand that. My mind can’t seem to wrap its arms around that fact. Even though my mind can’t quite comprehend it I still trust that it’s true.

So, instead of trying to understand exactly what God has planned for my particular love life, I will try (seriously try) to relax and wait to see what amazing things He’s going to do…

Money and Coffee

Ok, so I am officially an adult. And what the means to me now is that I have a significant amount of less money. Sure, I graduated from college and landed a job which could turn into a career, but I also landed, rent, car payment, health insurance, credit card debt, and student loans. It’s OK though. I am not freaking out…well not at this very moment. At times like these I cling to Philippians 4:19 and Romans 8:28.

Not only do I find myself clinging to God’s promises more but I find that I must budget better. My finances have to be controlled and that means that some common practices have to be reevaluated.

For example, my love affair with Starbucks has been reigned in. I used to get a coffee about two or three times a week. Now, unless I have a gift card, I don’t go. But, that doesn’t mean that I have to forgo my caffeine fix. Instead I make my own iced coffees at home and bought a travel cup, with a gift card, from Target. It’s much cheaper than the $4 that I would spend on my tall, non-fat, sugar free Vanilla Latte. And, I must say that they taste pretty good. Besides, I need to put that $4 in my gas tank!

Conversations and pancakes

There is something to be said about Christian women who are roommates. It’s great…not perfect, but really great. My roommate understands what struggles I go through and how much I need prayer. She doesn’t look at me funny when I am having my devotions in the morning or when I automatically hold out my hands to pray over our meals. What's really great is that she made pancakes for breakfast this morning...Thanks Renee!

I think being a Christian is awesome. I really do. I’m not saying that it’s easy but there is an amazing comfort in knowing that everything that I go through is not my battle but is the Lord’s.

Renee and I were talking about this and I had to confess that sometimes, I didn’t like that God really did control everything because I am a bit of a control…freak. (But only a little bit)

I know that God has everything under control, I really do but, sometimes I feel like I should be given the reigns every once in a while. The main area where I struggle with this is when it comes to men….Oh men how wonderful they are!

“Sometimes, I get so caught up in the statistics about men these days, especially black men, and I got to be honest; things look pretty bleak,” I said to my roommate.

“Yeah, but it’s not about what you see, it’s about what God sees.” She said it so simply that it caught me off guard.

And she was right.

Unable to see the sky

My favorite passage of scripture of all time is Psalm 139. Let me tell you, those verses have got me through some hard times. When it felt like I couldn’t pray and talk to God, I read it and wouldn’t feel 100% instantaneously but would feel a sense of comfort.

Well, I read it this morning and was just reflecting on everything that I had been going through.

I have a friend that I met over two years ago at a church conference. It was one of those meetings where people were spying on us to see if they saw any sparks fly between us. Well, there weren’t any initial sparks but I was at least willing to get a match. We exchanged email addresses and he emailed me about a month after we first met.

We started on surface topics for a while but slowly the layers of self disclosure began to peel away. Things were going well and after about six months I began to wonder if he were interested in a more then friendly way…I mean you would think that after six months he would make a move! I questioned him about it and he said, “I would love to be in a relationship with you but you live in VA and I live in TN.”

To me it wasn’t an issue but I guess long distance affects us each differently. I said OK, and we continued to email each other off and on for two years. Finally, I had enough of wondering, questioning, and hoping for something to happen. After two years I was interested and I approached my pastor and his wife about the situation and they were immediately gung ho on getting me to TN and fast. I felt this burden to pray for him and thought about him often.

Anyway, to make a looong story short it worked out that one of the ladies from my church wanted to go to TN to visit her son. Enter me and the “coincidence” of it all that I was contemplating my pen pal relationship with my friend.

Off we went to TN. I did my best to not get my hopes up, to go with an open mind. Before we had even left, I spoke to him to see if he would even be available to ‘hang out.’ He agreed that he would. Ok great. So, we got there on Wednesday morning. I was ready to go to church with him that night. No phone call. Ok, well he did say that he was able to hang out on Thursday. Thursday morning I got a text saying that he would be able to hang out but not until later. Umm…OK, you know I can go with the flow. He arrived late, and when I saw him I must admit that he looked different than what I last remembered. After several minutes of where do you want to go? No, where do you want to go? (which I always find annoying) I decided that we should go to a tourist attraction that I wanted to visit and then dinner. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good time and laughed a lot but was overall disappointed with the way things had turned out. There was no spark, not even matches this time. He dropped me off back at my friends house with promises to call.

He didn’t. I was pissed.

My pride was wounded and of course, I began to question my beauty, intelligence, spiritual-ness, any and everything that encompassed who I am. It’s sad but true and I am not ashamed to admit it. I then began to question God. Why had he led me to pray for this man so earnestly, and often? Why had He worked it out so that I would be able to visit him? It felt like God had just punk’d me and I was embarrassed and angry.

After a couple of days of being angry with God, and a little crying, I ran across Psalm 63:8. I poured it out to him. I didn’t understand why he had done what he did but I knew that it was His perfect will for my life. It wasn’t an instantaneous thing either, but I eventually, little by little am finding my way back to God. I share all of this with you because perhaps you are going through some things that you don’t understand but I just want to encourage you that God has got it. His track record has proved to be perfect in my life and I know that he wouldn’t turn His back on me now, or ever.

The Struggle

Can I be honest for a minute? I haven’t been feeling very spiritual lately. As a matter of fact I have been feeling betrayed by God. ( I know it sounds crazy but that is how I feel) It really is a long story and I will of course share it with you, but right now I just wanted to tell You who’s reading this how I was feeling, how I am feeling.

I don’t really understand how the Lord works and that was never really an issue for me until this past weekend. Now, I just want to know what He is thinking, what He has planed for me because I am strugglin.

Sometimes it feels as if the world caves in on us, at least for me; and I can’t see straight and my joy is zapped from me so quickly. I sit around waiting for the next big disaster. But today, as I was wallowing in my unhappiness I looked at my computer desk to find all of the scriptures that I had put up when I was spiritually stronger. A part of me wanted to tear it all down but the other part of me had to cling on to it.

“Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.” Psalm 63:8

Tears came to my eyes and I silently cried at my desk. I didn’t care if anybody walked by and saw me. I had come to the end of myself. Even though I doubted, my soul had no choice but to pour it out. Perhaps I just took the first step back.


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