in the middle of me

{photo by Max Wagner}

OK. I don't want to become cynical. But, I feel like it's happening. I know that Bible says, that those who compare themselves amongst themselves are not wise. {2 Corinthians 10:12} I do, I really know that it says that and I try so hard to not compare but it just seems to happen...often.

I mean, I look at a lot of Christian women my age. A lot of them are married, with children, very active in their church, wear dresses all the time, don't swear, or drink, or watch Sex in the City. They somehow always manage to incorporate God into their conversations, they always say, "I'll pray for you," and you KNOW that they will, and they have their devotions every day. They spend their days, cooking, cleaning, carting around children, or if they don't have kids they go home to their husbands and have guilt free sex whenever they want.

And then there's me. The 20 something single Christian woman. I'm single, with no children, still transitioning from the church that I grew up in to a church that's better suited for where I am in life. I don't wear dresses all the time, however I have been wearing them more lately {I really enjoy being feminine}, I swear occasionally, I drink occasionally, and I own every episode of Sex in the City. I'm trying each to day to incorporate God and Jesus into my daily conversations, but I still find myself obsessing over things that are not of him, i.e. read my last post. I try to remember to pray for everybody, but forget especially on mornings when I wake up late for work and quickly read a scripture. I spend my days working at job, that isn't terrible, but my heart desires more, I haven't cooked in like 2 weeks and my dinners lately have been consisting of baked french fries, or a bowl of cereal. Plus it takes me a really long time to do laundry, which is precisely why I have so many panties. And we're not even going to talk about the guilt free sex; it just doesn't exist in my world.

So then, where do I stand? Do I desire to be like those other women, and get married and have children. Well, yes. I absolutely want those things for my life. Do I need to work on being more godly... obviously. But, I don't want to become a cookie cutter woman. And I know it's unfair to think that's what will happen, but I do.

In a way, I almost fear being transformed because there are many things that I like about myself or that I enjoy doing that aren't necessarily ungodly, but I know that if I shared with others they would of course say that they were. Am I making sense?

I just want to be me, BUT and this is a big but; I guess it's not really about what I want but what God wants for me. But what exactly am I willing to give up....

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